Red and Green. Holiday Music Everywhere. It’s the holidays, but it doesn’t feel like the holidays this year.
Everyone around you seems joyful and cheerful and you have to force a smile on your face when you pass by someone who wishes you “Happy Holidays!” or a variation of such pleasantries. This year, it does not feel like there is a lot to celebrate. You may find yourself wondering if these feelings will ever go away or even if you will be able to celebrate another holiday again.
Grief and loss can be a challenging topic to discuss for most; words do not bring back the loved one that was lost. Those who surround you may be extra cautious to not bring up memories or topics for fear of triggering you or causing you emotional pain. This in turn creates a vicious cycle of feeling ostracized because of others’ fear of hurting you and feelings of frustration for the inability to bring up the loss. And so it goes, around and around, until the feelings are pushed so far down they lay psycho-dormant or until the holiday ends. Either way, the feelings do and will resurface, usually at a time where it is not wanted or welcomed.
There is no blanketed advice here; no “here’s what you should do” statements that will echo from these pages. Statements such as “it will get better soon” or “I understand” are not helpful because grief is as unique that that person was to you. A web search may produce coping skills such as “mediation” or “finding activities that make you happy”. These are great coping skills, however, may not are usually not enough. So what next? Besides finding a therapist who specializes in grief and loss, here are some skills/activities for home:
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Was there a special activity/tradition? Keep it going (if possible)
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Light a memorial candle
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Talk about the best memories of the loved one (the ones that you cherish and want to remember them by) with loved ones/supportive individuals
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Allow yourself to feel (cry if you need to cry, smile if you want to smile, laugh if you want to laugh)
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Do not compare yourself to others. This one is easier said then done, however, everyone’s experience is different, including yours compared to others who is experiencing grief/loss about the same person
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It is okay if you limit your holiday plans. If you do not feel up to “all the festivities”, pick a few that you do want to attend.
The best gift to give is one to yourself, even if it is challenging or feels different. Grief is fluid, without a time limit.